Falling Asleep to the Food Network

So I've started to fall asleep to Food Network. I'm a fan. I've been watching it for years, from the time when it was just the Two Fat Ladies and Iron Chef. Two shows they don't happen to show anymore. (Not the point.) While it's inspired some odd dreams, I haven't had any night terrors of being baked in a pie by Rachel Ray. Yet. And most things they show on "Food Network Nighttime" are benign enough that they don't rile me up when I'm trying to wind down. Usually, it's their Challenge program (which I love), $40 A Day, and Good Eats (which I adore). But tonight, things are different.

Yes, it's 12:20 Central time, and I'm finally doing my first post on my new blog. And it's not about how much I love Alton Brown, or the Food Network Challenge and its awesome cakes and candy creations. My first post is about perhaps my least favorite Food Network star, and it's not Emeril Lagasse. It's Bobby Flay. Bobby Fucking Flay and his floppy man boobs. I've had problems with him for several years, since he was a guest chef in kitchen stadium on the original (and only, as far as I'm concerned) Iron Chef. Flay was a guest who stood up on the counter of kitchen stadium and did a stupid, "I'm the man" dance once his losing dishes were completed.

He hosts two of the most self-important Food Network shows, Boy Meets Grill and Throwdown, and contributes to (Not) Iron Chef America. The show I take issue with is Throwdown. Flay surprises someone who thinks they're just doing a Food Network profile with a challenge, or a "Throwdown." Basically, he tries to beat someone at their own game. Last week, he tried to make a better cheesesteak than one of the most famous street vendors in Philly. Just now, he surprised some poor ice cream guy named Izzy in Minnesota with a fucking Throwdown. Izzy called him Bobby Fay (ha), and didn't seem to really know what was going on. I felt so bad! Bobby didn't surprise Izzy on a regular day, either. He challenged Izzy to a Throwdown on the day of the party that celebrated the completion of the solar panels on his roof. At a party!

This bastard is such an egotistical prick. I swear. He was so offended that Izzy didn't know who he was. Well, why should he? I mean, I consider Emeril a travesty to television and an insult to subtlety (bam THIS, jagoff), but he's really well known. Most people know who Emeril is, by face or by name. But none of Fay's shows have been hits beyond the Food Network. His ego is totally without reason or merit. He's just an asshole. An asshole who doesn't know how to dress! He suffers from the same disease that Phil of the Amazing Race once suffered from. He doesn't know how to dress himself. If you have floppy, pointy man tits, you don't wear microfiber shirts that accentuate them. It makes you look a fat schlub.

I hate him. And do you know how I know that? Because at 12:20 Central time, when the show was almost over, I got up from my bed and walked into my living room, saying "Oh, shut up Bobby Fay! I hate you! I hate you!" I grabbed my computer and wrote this, still talking to myself on my way back to my bed. Just watch. I'm going to dream about him now. Him and Rachel Ray baking me into a pie.