TV: Let's Stare Into The Abyss Of Nothingness Together.

It's hard to overstate the pure suckitude of this summer's TV programming. There are very few things I'm looking forward to watching this summer. Let's take a look at one of the worst and one of the best of this summer TV season, already in progress.

Pirate Master (CBS) -- CBS, the force behind such excellent reality programs as Survivor, and The Amazing Race, appears to have made a major misstep in picking up the newest Mark Burnett reality show, Pirate Master. After watching the premiere, this is what I can gather: 16 "normal" people, after some basic training, work on a pirate ship. Their goal is to win or find the money from 14 separate treasures using 14 treasure maps, each in its own compartment in a treasure chest. Beyond that, things get murky (as if they weren't already). There are officers, but no teams, really. The money from each mission is distributed unequally among the winners, and when someone is voted off, I'm not sure what happens to their money. In theory, the person who is the most pirate-y (whatever Johnny Depp has told us that means) will last to the end and win. I mean, I watched the entire hour and I was so confused by the structure and rules of the show. I probably could have paid more attention to the rules if the contestants had been less freakish. A DA who thinks that her profession is such an advantage that she keeps it a secret. A Nigerian former pro-football player. Rupert's doppelganger. A former landscaper who is a self-described musician. And a scientist/exotic dancer. You'd think these things would make the show more interesting. You'd be wrong.

The Closer (TNT) -- The best new drama in the past two years (I'm looking at you, fucking Grey's Anatomy) returns with its third season June 18th. The delightful Kyra Sedgewick plays Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson, a southern born and bred transplant to the LAPD priority homicide department. She's tough, smart, and witty. The show appears as a crime procedural to all who haven't taken a chance on it, but it's much different than that. The show is definitely about Brenda, her cases, and her life, and not about the process of solving the case and all the details. The climax of every show comes at the confession, which is all about Brenda and her skills as a "closer." She has an incredibly strong supporting cast made up almost entirely of men. I'd usually mind that, but it allows Sedgewick to shine, and her character to bloom amongst the support of her male subordinates. Thank the good Lord in heaven for shows like this. Though nothing can erase the befuddling memory of Pirate Master.